As of today I am 24 weeks and 1 day pregnant with another daughter. I was so relieved at my week 12 u/s to hear that the baby looked healthy so far. Since then each time I see the baby's flat feet (Kayla had club feet) and straight fingers (Kayla's were permanently bent) I am amazed that I have a physically healthy looking daughter. At the same time I am scared that something else could happen to her. I pray and beg God to let us keep this girl healthy, safe from harm. Recently one night J said to me "I hope my sister doesn't die". It broke my heart. He never got the opportunity to know his twin sister. I have to believe that we are being given a second chance in a way to have a daughter and get to know her.
Next week is mine and my husband's 9th wedding anniversary. I remember when we first started dating I went to a fortune teller just for the hec of it. She told me that I would have 3 children with my husband. I always wanted at least 2 children, being an only child was lonely because I felt as though I was missing out on a special sibling relationship. My parents weren't able to have more children and felt they were blessed to have at least 1. I get this, I am blessed to have J and thank God for him because without him I don't know how I would have made it saying goodbye to Kayla - if you didn't know I held him as I said goodbye to her as she grew her angel wings. He was my only comfort.
We haven't decided on a name for our newest daughter. Nothing seems perfect enough - is this my subconcioussness' way of protecting me from the horror I lived through before? I now remember when I sat in the hospital unsure of Kayla's fate with the paperwork for her social security card. Do we stick with the name Kayla or give her another name so if she dies we could give the name Kayla to our next daughter if she lives? Looking back, what an awful thought and yet it was a decision I had to make. I went with naming her Kayla because after 10 minutes of contemplating, I realized it didn't matter her name because she deserved the perfect name for her, just as this daughter shall have the perfect name for her.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Hiking with my new hiking partner ;-)
My 4th hike brought with it a new hiking partner, my son! As I mentioned before I took on hiking as a spiritual journey in addition to doing something better for my health so including my son was important. As we hiked the first half mile, I noticed that I struggled in the beginning of it however it became easy. Maybe it was because he distracted me and talked all the way or maybe it was because the more I hike, the easier it will get. Whatever it was, we had fun. On the way up, I asked Joshua why he was doing this hike with me. He said innocently, "For us. You and me." This made hiking all the more worth it.
Kudos to Joshua for getting me to walk further than I had before. The advanced hikers were well ahead of us and chose to walk the entire length which is an additonal 0.8 miles. This led Joshua to want to meet up with them. We met them on their way down and walked approximately 0.5 miles, so in the end a total of about 3 miles! It was very dark and we used our flashlights but he was determined to keep walking and of course I couldn't let my son walk on the side of a mountain by himself. We finally caught up to the rest of our hiking group and then turned back. Fortunately the ladies were with us because Joshua went way ahead of me on the walk down.
I try to find meaning in everything and at the end of the walk I remembered that after Kayla died, Joshua was the one I was able to pick up and hold to comfort me. He is the reason I kept living and gave me hope.
Just as his name means in biblical terms, "God's Savior", he became his mommy's savior *sigh*
Kudos to Joshua for getting me to walk further than I had before. The advanced hikers were well ahead of us and chose to walk the entire length which is an additonal 0.8 miles. This led Joshua to want to meet up with them. We met them on their way down and walked approximately 0.5 miles, so in the end a total of about 3 miles! It was very dark and we used our flashlights but he was determined to keep walking and of course I couldn't let my son walk on the side of a mountain by himself. We finally caught up to the rest of our hiking group and then turned back. Fortunately the ladies were with us because Joshua went way ahead of me on the walk down.
I try to find meaning in everything and at the end of the walk I remembered that after Kayla died, Joshua was the one I was able to pick up and hold to comfort me. He is the reason I kept living and gave me hope.
Just as his name means in biblical terms, "God's Savior", he became his mommy's savior *sigh*
Monday, November 22, 2010
Growing Through Grief
Recently I took up hiking. Those of you who know me, know that in the past I have excersised but it usually last a couple of months and then I quit and become a couch potato for the next 2+ years until I'm sick of looking in the mirror of what I have become.
This new venture began with a co-worker telling me about her experience hiking and just like me, she hated excersise however something about hiking gave her the energy and positive attitude she desired. I thought "hec, if she can do it, so can I" and thus began my hiking journey.
As I began my first hike I was reminded of the MISS Foundation's most recent activity with bereaved parents, "The Barefoot Walkabout" that took place at the end of October in Sedona, Arizona in which parents were encouraged to hike barefoot as a mindful and spiritual journey. A fellow bereaved mom commented that she took the walk with the group on Saturday and enjoyed it so much that she decided to walk again on Sunday. However on Sunday, something was different for her, she was walking alone. She described both walks as being like grief - sometimes you have people "walking" with you in your moments of grief and those are the moments that make it a little easier but when you are "walking" alone you find it much more difficult and harder to do.
I have accomplished the entire 1 mile walk to the first scenic viewpoint twice. It sounds like a very tiny accomplishment however I did this alone, physically. I had 3 other ladies get me to go and as experienced hikers met me at the end point. At first, I was disappointed that no one was walking next to me and now looking back, I find that they were the ones that encouraged me at the end to make sure I got there. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak, in grief. Grief is just like the 3 hikes I have taken. The first walk was grueling and I couldn't complete it (I did make it 3/4 of a mile up); the second walk was difficult but just a little bit easier; the third walk was difficult for the first half a mile and then I felt accomplished and that I could not turn back and quit - I kept going and when I got to the top for the second time I felt a sigh of relief and that I made it.
Next week, November 24, will be 6 years since Kayla died. I look back at where I was 6 years ago and where I am now. Wow so much has happened. I am grateful that I have such supportive parents, cousin, friends (real life and cyber world), and my son for guiding me through the journey. You may not have walked next to me but you were at the end cheering me on, letting me know I could make it out of the darkness. Thank you!
This new venture began with a co-worker telling me about her experience hiking and just like me, she hated excersise however something about hiking gave her the energy and positive attitude she desired. I thought "hec, if she can do it, so can I" and thus began my hiking journey.
As I began my first hike I was reminded of the MISS Foundation's most recent activity with bereaved parents, "The Barefoot Walkabout" that took place at the end of October in Sedona, Arizona in which parents were encouraged to hike barefoot as a mindful and spiritual journey. A fellow bereaved mom commented that she took the walk with the group on Saturday and enjoyed it so much that she decided to walk again on Sunday. However on Sunday, something was different for her, she was walking alone. She described both walks as being like grief - sometimes you have people "walking" with you in your moments of grief and those are the moments that make it a little easier but when you are "walking" alone you find it much more difficult and harder to do.
I have accomplished the entire 1 mile walk to the first scenic viewpoint twice. It sounds like a very tiny accomplishment however I did this alone, physically. I had 3 other ladies get me to go and as experienced hikers met me at the end point. At first, I was disappointed that no one was walking next to me and now looking back, I find that they were the ones that encouraged me at the end to make sure I got there. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak, in grief. Grief is just like the 3 hikes I have taken. The first walk was grueling and I couldn't complete it (I did make it 3/4 of a mile up); the second walk was difficult but just a little bit easier; the third walk was difficult for the first half a mile and then I felt accomplished and that I could not turn back and quit - I kept going and when I got to the top for the second time I felt a sigh of relief and that I made it.
Next week, November 24, will be 6 years since Kayla died. I look back at where I was 6 years ago and where I am now. Wow so much has happened. I am grateful that I have such supportive parents, cousin, friends (real life and cyber world), and my son for guiding me through the journey. You may not have walked next to me but you were at the end cheering me on, letting me know I could make it out of the darkness. Thank you!
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